May 30 2019 - Breaking Ties by Rae Rose
Goodbye is never easy
My travel bag slung over my shoulder I turn to escape. Instead of running out the door, I run smack into 225 pounds 6ft 4in of obstinate male blocking my exit. Why now? Wasn’t it best just to walk away, to bury the past and start fresh? I tried to move around him, but his arms hold me in place.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” He asks as he holds me close to his chest.
“Why?” Softer now he whispers. “How can you walk away so damn easy? Don’t you have any idea how much I still need you?”
Looking into his eyes, I am lost. He can break me down so easily, my resolve falling to dust. My longing pins me down, trapped I’ am unable to look away or even run.
“What do you want me to do?!” I cry out trapped, prisoner to the pain in his eyes. It was never my intention to hurt you… “I can’t rewrite our past and I cannot stay here with you. Damn it! Alec, every time I see you it tears me to pieces!” I try again to move away only to have his hand clasping down harder, holding me in place.
Exasperated I am desperate to make him understand. “Did you honestly expect me to just fall into your arms? How can I ever forget what you did? What I did? Even if I could forgive you, how will I ever forgive myself? There is too much between us pushing us farther and farther apart. Isn’t it better for both of us to forget and move on?” I am begging him to understand as a tear for every memory falls.
I lower my head prepared to walk away from everything we had built. I need to walk away from everything we had been. I needed to escape from the shame, from the memories only we could make sense of. “Please let me go.” I whisper.
Before I can escape his arms ensnare me drawing me in. So close, too close to him, he is enclosing me in his scent, his heat, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat pulling me further in. Memories entwine tangling me further into his trap, I am completely ensnared.
With one arm wrapped around me the other hand gently cupping my chin he lifts my head. The kiss I expected never came, instead he lays his forehead gently resting against mine. His hand caressing my cheek smearing the tears, our breath intertwining as one, I can feel our bodies reaching one for the other.
“Do you know how many times I relive that night Layne?” He asked a tremor in his usually steady voice. “Sometimes I want to be sorry. Damn, most of the time I can’t regret what I did to you. I need you so badly; yet you always try to push me away... What did I do wrong? What can I do to keep you by my side? Just tell me! I will do anything, just don’t walk away from me.” He whispers desperate. I can feel my resolve breaking.
Shame and need war inside my broken heart, wanting, but knowing it is wrong. We both are dancing around the issue not sure if either of us has the strength or heart to face it head on.
Still after all these years we don’t want to be the cause of the others pain. The loss has me pushing away from him. Roughly he pulls me back wrapping me tightly in his embrace. We struggle this time when he pulls me my back lands against his front. One arm pinning me to him holding my arms prisoner. Holding my chin, keeping my head still with his free hand there was nothing I could do.
His breath hot on my ear, his lips teasing me, sweetly brushing against my ear as he spoke. “I have loved you forever.” He whispers twisting my resolution, bending me to his will.
I cannot speak I am to afraid, to unsure. I want to give in, melting, surrounded by his strength, the warmth of his arms. I can feel my pride breaking, yielding to desire, I am helpless against his warmth, and the caress of his lips.
“Laney, you are the only thing clean and pure in my world. My beautiful Alanna Rose, my own flower who brought me beauty and hope in this hellish world. Please, don’t you know how sorry I am? I wanted to die when I saw the fear in your eyes. When you drew away from my touch, do you have any idea of the pain I felt? I needed you too much, I almost consumed you in my greed. I know I did not consider you enough. I did not take the time to calm your fear. For that I am truly sorry.” His whispered causing the walls between us to crumble. The tears give way to heart wrenching sobs my body defenseless against his assault.
“Laney” My name on his lips barely a whisper sweet as he gathers me in his arms my head on his chest, his heartbeat fast and strong against my ear. I was unaware as to how or when we got inside the bedroom. Somewhere inside my brain an alarm is going off, a warning fighting against the heat flushing my body. My body at war with my mind, feeling, aching, wanting, the desperate need to touch and be touched in return.
“I feel you Layne, you need me as much as I need you. Even though your words are dishonest, your body is very honest.” The truth within his words sent a shock through my body. Denial left me grasping for the strength to escape, my pride always at war with my desire. I am unsure myself which is stronger.
At a loss I struggle trying to escape, but when his lips capture mine, I am lost. I can feel myself melting into him. No longer fighting, I am instead fighting to get closer, to feel his skin and to have him touch mine.
Our clothes thrown off piece by piece, we are desperate one for the other. Heat and desire that is the heart of our relationship. I am lost to him.
Panting, wanting, I reach for him wrapping my arms around his neck, my fingers curling into his silken hair. His tongue, lips, and hands explore my body as I surrender to his.
Biting kisses and tender caresses set my body on fire. I am beyond words now a prisoner to the heat building in my core. The way he touches me I am lost to our broken love.
I reach for him, begging for his kiss on my lips. Instead he pulls away the last barrier of clothing and spread me out on our bed. I scream as his tongue and fingers penetrate my core pushing me past my limits. My hands buried in his silken hair as I writhe helpless to the pleasure racking my body.
Stars color my vision the world around me is hazy as I reach my peak. Alec smiles knowingly as he kneels between my legs positioning himself against my entrance. His lips find mine, finally, as he slams his lust inside of me.
Joined we move in a rhythm unique to our love. I have already reached my peak, but already feel the heat building again. Lost in our passion I can only scream and moan his name and he mine.
As we move together, Alec deep inside of me, I want to stay in his arms forever. Still, even as I accept his passion and wrap him in my own, I know I cannot stay. All night long we came at each other desperately, passionately again and again making love until we fall asleep exhausted, complete surrender.
The Morning After
I awake slowly. My whole body languid and thoroughly overtaken. Alec’s breath softly caresses my breast. My whole body is alive to every sensation every texture he gives. Even though I must leave, a part of me will always reach for him, wanting to be by his side.
‘What am I doing?’ Alec is sleeping, I don’t want to go. Our bodies intimately entangled. I can’t help but sigh a slight smile threatening to break through the tears. He always sleeps better with me beside him, I know this. I love him, but I cannot stay. In the end he will be better off with me gone. I can only bring him pain.
It is almost painful pulling away from him. Even if he hates me it is better than him being pulled down in my shame. Because, I love him I have to let him go. It was the bitter end destined for our shameful love.
Alec doesn’t know the full truth. The letter I had left him last night was still there. In the chaos and passions of last night it had been knocked to the floor. Slowly and gently I untangle myself from Alec.
Finally, free I place the letter on the pillow and kissing him gently, I say goodbye to the only love I have ever known. “Alec, I wish you happiness.” I whisper to his sleeping form before walking out our door forever.
By Rae Rose
My name is Rae Rose and I live in the Pacific Northwest. I have always, always loved stories. I love writing, reading, listening and imaging the words coming to life. My youth was not the happiest and it is not an exaggeration when I say stories saved me more than once.
Every story I tell carries a seed of truth. Mine and of those who were not able to survive. Every story is special and personal to my heart. It is my hope that you enjoy the stories and find comfort, love, and laughter in my words.
Rae Rose (Paiute, Mayan, Japanese) is a writer based in the Northwest. Follow her @Rae_Rose7