Jan 27, 2015 - Fighting for Equality Made Me a Player by Patty Stonefish


Wait what? No, you read that correctly. Fighting for equality made me a player.

Allow me to explain…

If patriarchy affects us all (which it does, regardless of gender) and we are all suffering from this disease (which we are), then why are we as women fighting for equality? We want to be equal to a patriarchal society’s idea of a man? Maybe in the social equality sense…equal pay, rights, etc. That is all correct, but what about morally? Are we fighting to act like a patriarchal society’s idea of a man? Or are we fighting to reclaim and redefine what it means to be woman? I sure hope it’s the latter. That being said, I used to take it as the former, and I know I can’t be the only one out there.

There was a time in my life when I fought for equality as a woman. Now I fight for redefining gender “roles” and balance. Lets talk about my time fighting for equality though, and where I went wrong.

At a point in my life I had a dream of becoming the first female Navy SEAL. Clearly that didn’t play out, for the better, but my journey in trying to become equal socially led me to trying to become equal morally. A morality based on patriarchal virtues. At the same time I was trying to gain social equality I was in a very bad four year relationship with my now ex fiancé’. This is where I believe I got some things skewed…but I digress. While I was in this relationship I was cheated on, and told to put up with (from men and women) an obsessive porn habit (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE porn too, but there are limits as with everything), strip clubs, black out drunk spouse coming home, and illicit drugs on occasion. Because these are “manly” things. So I did…and after the relationship came to a close, I found my outlook had changed to “If you can’t beat ‘em (“them” being the patriarchal societal view of a man), join ‘em.” So I did. For the five years that followed my fight for social equality, and my trying to become morally equal to a patriarchal societal view of a man, I became a full-blown player. (Apologies to any of my ex’s since 2009 who are just now discovering they were cheated on. You are all great people and didn’t deserve it. Perhaps this article will make it clearer.)

Why did I become a player? Because my idea of social equality became skewed with moral equality. A moral equality built on the bullshit foundation of the patriarchal societal view of a man’s moral standings.

In turn I found myself with great men (mains) in those five years, but with horrible sides. The men I dated in those five years were amazing. They understood my views for the most part (nothing like my soul mate does, but they tried hard) and were supportive of my (almost) every move. However my sides were exactly what my ex had been to one degree or another. Why did I wind up with this mix? Because a part of me had gained the social equality and found great men because of it, but the other part of me was still fighting for moral equality to a patriarchal society’s view of a man. Every side I wound up with was extremely patriarchal in some way shape or form. While they may have been great men in their careers, they were the embodiment of patriarchy when it came to their views on women, their main’s, baby mama’s, and gender roles. Yet I was still doing it because I wanted to be morally equal.

Long story short, I found my soul mate and realized a lot of things, a lot of things I’d like to pass on given the chance.

In our fight for gender redefinition and social equality, don’t get caught up trying to be the moral equality of a patriarchal society’s view of a man.

Patty Stonefish is mixed Lakota, born in Fargo, North Dakota and raised throughout the countryside. When not teaching Women’s Self Defense she enjoys spending time with her family, horseback riding, reading, art, and all creatures great and small. She has a over a decade of education in Martial Arts and Women’s Self Defense.

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